LOVE

The definition of love: an intense feeling of deep affection. Ouch! That is how my love for Jesus should be described and honestly that does not describe my feelings for Him. This past weekend I have been angry at Him! "Why me, Lord? Why my family? Why do you take people away? Why does my friend have to experience that?" An intense feeling of deep affection. Tonight as I sit at my desk worrying about my circumstances God showed me that I am empty. Tonight He showed me I need more of His peace. After showing me that I am not filled with His peace, He showed me that I am not completely in love with Him. Falling in love with someone I can't see seems impossible! Tonight I want to fall in love with God! How do I get to the point where I have an intense feeling of deep affection for Him? Sadly it can't happen over night :( We need to be open to His love. We need to give ourselves fully. We need to praise Him instead of always requesting. We need to communicate with Him all the time! To me this seems so hard since I can't see Him. But tonight I want to fall in love with Him!! I pray that all of us want to have an intense feeling of deep affection for our Saviour!

Darkness

Darkness! I groped the wall looking for a light switch or anything that would allow light to enter the dark room, but there was nothing. I stumbled along what seemed to be a path. With my shaky voice I questioned what I was doing in this place. The only response I received was the darkness. Where was the end to this dark room? I needed to get out! I needed to see light! My foot struck something on the path and I felt my body lurch forward. I tried to grab something to break my fall but with the darkness around me I couldn't see to grab a hold of anything. My face hit the floor with a smack. I lay there for awhile wondering what the point was to even stand up. If I stood up I would just walk in circles and fall over and over again. Hot tears ran down my face. Why did it have to be so dark? Why couldn't I see what was in front of me? Suddenly I felt someone grab my hand and help me to stand up. Instantly I knew by the kindness in his touch that it was my Master. "Master, why is it so dark? Why can't I see what's ahead of me?" With the tenderness in His voice, He replied, "Because I hold what is ahead of you. You don't need to know. All you need to do is hold my hand and trust me!" Trust Him?? But what if He suddenly let go of my hand and I would fall again? As if He was reading my mind, He looked and me and said, " Sami, I won't let go of your hand! I am always with you even if you fall. When you fall I will help you stand up! Just take my hand and together we will make it through the darkness." I held tightly to His hand and looked up at Him, " Lord, you have called me to do something that seems beyond what I can handle. I don't know how I will become who you want me to become! Its too hard and I can't see ahead of me to see if I will make it through! He looked at me with loving eyes and said, "Samantha, just hold my hand and stay on My path and you will make it through! Just trust me!" He took a step forward and held out his hand. I looked at his hand and then into the blackness. Slowly I extended my hand until it was in His and together we stepped into the darkness.

Loving Myself

Do you ever struggle with loving yourself? Tonight I realized something about myself that I really don't want to face but I know I have to. Tonight I realized I really don't love myself. So often I think people don't notice me and I'm not wanted or good enough for them but then I realized that I think that about myself so I assume that other people think that about me too. Often I degrade myself and believe the lies the devil tells me. "Sami, your a nobody and people don't wanna be with a nobody. Sami, your body isn't perfect and that means no guy will fall in love with you. Sami, no one wants to date someone who comes from a broken home. Sami, people just don't like you." These are some of the lies I hear and I'm ashamed to say that I do believe them sometimes. But Satan knows our weak points and that is when he hits us with his lies that he longs for us to believe. I long to be the person who believes in themselves and knows that their perfect just the way they are. Something that amazes me is that God loves me even when I believe the lies satan tells me. God loves me no matter what! Why would he? Why would God love us? Because we are His! We are God's and that is all we should care about. When satan attacks us with his lies, we need to tell him that we are Gods. God created me for a reason! I am loved by God and God made me perfect just the way I am! Tonight I want to stop hating myself. I want to stop believing Satans lies. I want to be secure in God and his love for me! Lord, help me to hear your voice over the enemies voice!

Good Night Kisses

Quick! The word that flashes through my mind every night at work. Quick get this resident done and move onto the next one! Quick because I don't want to run behind. I need to stay caught up! Quick get her tucked into bed then I can move onto the next one! I share a quick smile and say good night and am ready to dart out the door,but then something stops me. The resident looks at me, smiles, and then out of no where kisses me on the cheek and says good night! Those moments are the moments that get you through the night. I no longer want to rush out the door. I want to sit and watch them sleep and enjoy the moment. I want to enjoy the moment of the good night kiss. Why rush and skip these moments? Sometimes these good night kisses are missed because I am in such a hurry to get finished on time or I'm too busy worrying about not getting finished on time. As soon as that good night kiss hits your cheek, the worries flee and you realize its okay to slow down! Its okay to run behind because these good night kisses are more important. Nursing Assistants aren't the only people with the word quick in their vocabulary. They aren't the only ones who rush around and miss moments that should be cherished. We as Christians are always rushing around worrying about what tomorrow brings. We are so busy worrying and having self pity that we miss the small moments that God brings our way. Sometimes those moments are there to show us that everything will be okay because God is in control. We miss those good night kisses. But when we stop, pray, and look around those good night kisses will appear everywhere! Lets not worry about what tomorrow brings! Lets stop, pray, and cherish the good night kisses. 

EASTER: God's Love

As the whip hit his back, he buckled with pain. Blood oozed out of the gashes on his back. As I stood there watching, tears streamed down my face. Why were they hurting him? Wasn't he the one who was healing people? I couldn't even begin to understand the pain, rejection, and anger he was going through at the moment! As I was watching them beat him, he looked up and looked right at me. His eyes were so full of compassion. When he looked at me, all the fear that was within me left. The sense of calmness overpowered the sense of fear.

Suddenly the soldiers grabbed him and shoved a crown of thorns on his head. As his scream of anguish reached my ears, I instantly threw my hands over my ears. I couldn't bear to hear the pain in his voice. After they shoved the crown on his head, they made him stand to his feet. What they did next was more than my heart could bear. Upon the deep gashes on his back, they laid a cross and he had to carry it. As he stumbled down the path, tears streamed down his face. But his tears were down occurring because of the pain he was feeling. His tears were tears of compassion for those who were rejecting him. Suddenly the cross became to heavy to bear and Jesus fell to the ground. A man was commanded to carry the cross for him. While Jesus was staggering along the path, people starting spitting on him and yelling, "Crucify him!" As I stood along the path watching and listening, my heart became heavy. I started screaming and begging people to stop but it was like no one could hear me. 

Love Most when Deserved Least

Most people need love the MOST when they deserve it the LEAST. I was reading a book and this line jumped out at me. How often do I ignore people when they need love the most? I was convicted because I know that after people hurt me, I normally don't love them back. My normal response is anger and hurt and I choose to ignore them. But today God told me that when people hurt me, that is when I need to love them the most. God asks us to do some pretty hard things, huh? The past two months have been stormy for me and it seems impossible to love those who hurt you. In the past two days two people have told me that I need to forgive and love again. I told my mom that its hard because it seems like people do the same things over and over again. How can I forgive when I know its just going to happen again? I told my mom that I'm just not ready to forgive right now! The cut is too deep. Then my mom told me that I need to pray and voice to God that I want to forgive that person. On top of asking God to help me forgive them, I need to ask God to help me love them. It doesn't seem fair though. It feels like all I do in life is forgive people! I thought it was going to be enough to forgive my Dad but now I need to forgive friends and family. But when it doesn't seem fair, I remind myself that God has forgiven me over and over and over again. If He can forgive me and love me again than I can forgive and love those who don't seem to deserve it!    "Lord help me to love and forgive again. Help me to be like You. Help me to overcome the hurt in my life. Help me to surrender the hard things in my life over to You! Lord, help me make it through this stormy part of my life."

The Promises of my Daddy

My amazing family

My little brothers :)

My little brother :) So glad he is still with us today!

The one who understand everything about me!

My Rosie! Oh how I miss her!

My favorite person in the whole world!

My bestie :)

My "big sister"

My life has changed allot in the last month. I am officially working at Walnut Hills nursing home and on Wednesday my CNA classes begin. Hopefully by the end of April I will be working as a CNA. Yes, I can't believe my dreams are slowly coming together. My plans are to work as a CNA while I attend school to become a RN. Becoming a nurse was a dream my dad and I had for my life. But today I have to conquer this dream alone. This dream of becoming a nurse looks like a giant mountain that I cannot conquer. As I stand at the bottom of this large mountain fear grips every part of my small being. How am I suppose to reach the top? Am I not just a small person in a world full of more intelligent people who are way more equipped to reach the top of the mountain? Lord, how do you expect me to climb this mountain? There is no way I'll make it! Oh Lord, why do you put the desires of being a nurse in my heart? Why does my dream have to be so hard to reach? Suddenly all my questions are shattered by the sternness of a loud voice! "Samantha Jo Raber! Have I not shown you before that with Me, you CAN make it through the hard times? Have I not shown you that I only give you what I know you can handle. Sami Jo, I will not leave you stranded on the middle of the mountain. I will be with you always." I love the promises of my daddy!