Fear of the Future.

Today I started studying for my ACT test and the only thought running about my mind is " God, I can't do this! I can't make it through nursing school! I'm not smart enough. Why did You give me a desire to be a nurse?" Today I am scared. Today fear has crept into my heart and invaded every last available space of my heart. Why do I have to want to be a nurse? Why can't I just want to be a cashier for the rest of my life? Being a nurse has been one of my dreams since I was six. I wanted to be like nurse Tim. Who is nurse Tim? Well let me tell you a story. A couple weeks after my sixth birthday I became sick with what appeared to be the flue. I was laying on the couch when all of a sudden I lost all eyesight. I was completely blind. Soon after I lost my eyesight I lost all consciousness. My grandparents came and picked up my mom and I and headed for the hospital. At the hospital they diagnosed me with spinal meningitis. I was rushed to Akron Children's where my dad met us and mom and dad sat there praying that I would make it through the night. People every where were praying for my life to be spared. I woke up the next morning and the doctors called it a miracle! I was in the hospital for a week. That week was hard. I hated IV's and I hated being stuck in my bed. During the night I would see men coming out of the ceiling and chase me. My eyes would also play tricks on me during the day. I had this elephant that had a hat on its head. Well when I looked at it I would see an elephant without a hat. I would get so angry because someone took the hat off my elephant. Mom would tell me over and over that the hat was still on the elephant. This was all side effects of my illness. The doctor told us that often people don't live when they have the meningitis and if they do they are normally blind, deaf, or paralyzed. So my eyes playing tricks on me seemed like a good side affect after we heard that news.

LABELING and GOSSIPING

This morning there is something very heavy on my heart. Often when I think of labels I think of labels on food. But did you know labels are put on people too? Did you know you are the one that puts labels on people? How often do we  sit somewhere and think, " They must be messed up because they have tattoos all over them."? Or "I bet she has major issues because her Mom died or her father left them." This label thing is horrible. We can't label people because of their past or because of how they look. You have no idea what they have been through. They don't need you to label them. They need you to show them love. They need you to just be their friend. Another thing I really struggle with is gossiping. I struggle with gossiping about people myself so this blog is just as much for me as it is for you. There was a time where I was hurt so much by what people were saying but my mom would stop me and look at me and tell me, " Sami, the truth will come out. Just be quiet and wait." You know what, she was right! The best thing to do is just be quiet. But it saddens me to see how people sit around and run each other down. What hurts the most is when you have to see your best friend or your own mother being hurt by friends or even their own family! It saddens me most when its their own family. All people have to do is go up to the person and ask them if its true. But that's not how us humans handle it. Instead we ignore the person and assume the worst. It just really hurts me to watch families lose each other because of gossip. To me family is the most important thing after God. They are the ones that help you through hard times so why run them down and talk about them. My one friend was lately hurt by what people were saying about her. She told me all people have to do is ask me if its true or not and I will tell them. How true is that? If we would just go to the person right away we could save allot of people deep hurt. But that friend is truly amazing. Even though people have truly hurt her she keeps talking to them. She keeps being their friend. She doesn't gossip about them because she didn't like when people did it to her. People, that is how we need to be. We need to do unto others what we want them to do unto us. We need to consider the person's feelings when we talk about them. In the end you are only hurting yourself by talking about others. I guess I just really want to see the world love each other instead of tearing each other down. We need each other.

Controlling~ Now that WAS me

Ever meet a person that has to be in control all the time? Well if you met me about two years ago then you did meet a controlling person.  I had to be in control of everything! If a group of us would go away we would have to leave on the time I said. If we were late I would totally freak out! That is how bad of a control freak I was. Everything had to be just right. When I was 16 I found myself in a relationship. Oh that poor guy! Right at first everything was good. Soon my control issues started showing. If he didn't do something how I figured he would I would throw a fit. He pretty much had to walk on water. On top of me trying to control him I also smothered him. I had to know what he was doing at all times. I would get all upset every time we said goodbye in the evenings. I was so scared he would leave or something would happen to him. Well because of my controlling and the way I smothered him so much, he did leave. And did I take that hard. I thought life would never be great again. Even though he broke up with me, I kept texting him. Looking back I'm very embarrassed at how I responded to certain situations. Eventually I did move on with life. Even though life was different and I lost people due to the breakup, life was good. I will never forget the one evening I was sitting at a stop light and I was asking God if I will always be alone. All of a sudden I felt God tell me something exciting was going to happen to me! I got all excited and I had no idea why. Well a couple weeks later I got asked out! I prayed about it and I felt God was telling me to go ahead with it. I hadn't really struggled too much with my control issue so I thought maybe I was over it. Well I started dating and I was happy again. I felt myself falling for him and that made me even more happy. The best part was he treated me so well! Oh everything was going so good. I met his family and I loved them. I was so sure this was gonna be my family. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. Well soon those control issues came back. And once again, poor poor guy! When he didn't do things the way I thought he should I would throw a fit. I acted like a brat! Well one night he told me something that changed my life forever. I was arguing about something. To be honest it was something very ridiculous! Poor guy didn't even know what he did wrong! Well we were driving down this road and I remember exactly where we were and what I was looking at when he looked at me and said "Sam, you have a serious problem and you need to get help and work through it." Well at that moment I just wanted to slap him because I knew it was true. Well time went on and we ended up on a break. While we were on a break I went to a counselor. She told me I was holding on to life with tightly clenched fists. She told me I need to go home and pray a prayer where I vision my life floating over to God. Well I decided I better try because I don't have to much more to lose. I remember standing in the shower with tightly clenched fists,  tears flowing down my face, and crying out to God and telling Him I'm ready to give it all over to Him. When I went to open my fists, I couldn't. I could not open my hands! Then I felt something incredible. I felt someone pry open my hands and I saw my life float over into God's hands. After that night my life changed! Yes, the guy I loved ended up breaking up with me, but unlike before I was okay. Every time I thought of him again I would close my eyes and see him float over to God. To this day I still do this prayer. Every time I want to be in control of my life, I close my eyes and imagine everything floating over to God. When I looked back I didn't understand why God would tell me to date that young man if He saw it wasn't going to work and I was going to have to deal with more hurts. But now it all makes sense. If I wouldn't have dated him I probably would never have overcome my control issues. God's ways are not our ways but they sure are perfect.

Forgiveness

Well today I am going to write about how I came to forgive my Dad. The week after my last visit with my dad, I went to camp out in Indiana. Little did I know what would happen that week to me. I had no idea what a life changing decision I would make. I went to camp with the same mind set I did every year. Of course this time I knew it was my last time going. During the day we had some bible classes and then lots of games and activities. In the evening we would assemble together and listen to the speaker. To be honest I don't remember any of the messages. All I remember is my heart being heavy and knowing that something was wrong and God wanted me to do something. By the end of the services I was always outside in tears. People would come to pray with me and they would want to know whats wrong and my answer was always, "I don't know." Deep down I knew it had something to do with my dad. One night my counselor was telling us her story and then she told us she would be out on the porch if anyone wanted to talk to her. I knew what I wanted to tell her. When I got out to the porch I just froze up. I sat there and said nothing. She looked at me and told me she wants me to talk to the leaders of the camp because she thinks I need to forgive my dad. My first instinct was to look at her and say no way! In my mind I was saying there is no way your gonna get me in a room with the leaders. The next day believe it or not she got me in a room with the leaders. And let me tell you, I was one nervous lady! I had no idea what they were going to do with me. We sat down at this table and they started asking me questions. Once they were finished with the questions they said they wanted to say this prayer with me. One of the preachers would say a couple sentences and I would repeat them. Never have I ever prayed a prayer like I did that day! In the prayer they had me ask God to give me visions. And the visions I had were so real! First I asked God to show me my heart. The heart I saw was completely shattered into millions of pieces. I saw God take all the rejection, bitterness, anger, hate, hurt, and all the gross stuff out of my heart and chop it up with an ax and then He burned it. I saw God hold me in His lap like I was a little girl. I saw God hold my Mom and my brothers. Then I told God that I forgive my dad. In the end I asked God to show me my heart and the picture I saw changed my life forever. My heart was a complete and perfect heart! In the beginning of my prayer I told myself I am not going to cry. I don't cry in front of people, especially these people. Well we were barely into the prayer and the tears started falling! By the end when I saw my perfect heart I was sobbing. From that moment on my life was changed forever. Yes, forgiveness is a ongoing process but it starts with that first step. Once you do that first step the rest gets easier. I have had to forgive my dad again and again but its so much easier. Instead of being angry at him all the time, I'm normally only mad at him for like a day and then the love for him comes right back. Yes, the love I have for my dad is a bit different than the love most of the girls have for their father but I'm not angry anymore. When people ask me how I am okay with talking about my dad I tell them I forgave my dad and so now I can talk about him without hating him. Guys, if there is someone in your life you need to forgive, please do so! In the end you feel so good and you feel like God is truly living through you. Yes, I still cry myself to sleep some evenings and yes, I still get mad at my dad but it goes away in the morning! I can move on with my life because I have found forgiveness. I have overcame! God won! Let Him win in your life too!

Trust

In my next post I would like to share how I forgave my dad but for right now i want to talk about trust. Maybe some of you reading this won't be able to relate to having trust issues but that is awesome! But I want to write this for those of you who also struggle with trust. One evening after my my parents had a fight I asked Mom if dad was going to leave and she told me to ask him. Well I finally worked up enough courage and I asked him if he was going to leave us. He looked me right in the eyes and told me he would never leave our family. Well he broke that promise. I now have a hard time trusting people. To all the girls out there with trust issues, trust the man you fall in love with. Don't push him away like I did. You will end up losing him. When people become to close to me  I start putting up walls and I hold them at arms length. When I was dating I would hold on to the poor guy so tight so he wouldn't leave and I started controlling him. I thought this would make so he wouldn't leave. In the end it was the reason why he did leave. When you don't trust people, they feel that. Your friends don't want to have a friend that doesn't trust them. A boyfriend doesn't want a girlfriend who doesn't trust him. People we need to learn to trust. If you start trusting in a person and they let you down, don't think its because you trusted them. People will let you down. Always remember that God will never let you down. I think that before we learn to trust people we need to learn to trust God. If we don't trust the One who will never let us down how can we trust people? I feel like I shouldn't talk about trust because I am still struggling with it. Trusting God is hard.  Its hard for me to tell God that I trust Him because what if I don't like what he has in store for me. One of my good friends told me that he has to turn over his trusting issues to God everyday. Its a daily thing. So I have an exercise I want everyone to try including myself. For the rest of the week I want you guys to once a day or even more tell God you are trusting Him with your future. I truly believe if we learn to trust God trusting people will become easier. Lets tear down those wall around our heart and trust God to take care of our heart. In another post I would like to share how I am also slowly but surely overcoming my control issues. Hopefully this post made some sense. The main thing I wanted to get across is to trust God. Right now I need to trust God with my future. So those who feel alone with your trust issues, rest assured I am right there with you! Hope you all have a fantastic week:) Until next time......

The Visit

After the divorce papers came many many court hearings. Mom felt that we weren't suppose to fight for our house so we didn't. We ended up losing our house and having to move. We had no clue where we were going to move to but I knew it would be okay and it was. We now rent a house and we have amazing landlords. Praise God! My dad ended up fighting for custody of us children. The court decided that we would have to go to my Dad's house every other Saturday. When this news reached my ears I felt trapped. I couldn't move! "Why God?  Haven't we been through enough??" The night I heard this news I was on the phone with my best friend Stacy for a very long time. All I could do was cry. She was amazing through this difficult time. She would cry with me and just listen to me. Soon those dreaded Saturdays came. All of us children were always a mess the week we had to go see Dad. Saturday morning would dawn on us way too soon:( Before we went outside into Dad's vehicle, Mom would gather us in a circle and pray God's protection over us. This is the reason I believe we made it out of my Dad's house on some of those visits without being harmed. After Mom was finished praying we would go out and some of us would have to sit in the trunk of Dad's envoy because he didn't have enough seats for us. We would travel about two hours then we would be at Dad's house. Him and his girlfriend would try to have stuff for us to do. The day always seemed so much longer than normal. Once it was evening we would meet mom and one of the couples from church in town and then we would head home. We did this for a couple months. We kept praying something would happen that we wouldn't have to go again. One Saturday we we got ready to go see Dad again. We prayed just like we always did not knowing how important the prayer was for today and how much we would need it. Like usual   Dad came and picked us up and we headed for his house. That Saturday Dad told us he remarried. That was only the start of that dreadful Saturday. Due to some people not wanting me to post what happened next I will not post it. All I will say is that day I ended up  sitting outside in the lawn holding Tyler and sobbing for hours. Finally the day was over and we could go home. We kept praying we wouldn't have to go back! That visit ended up being our last visit. Dad called a couple Saturdays later and said he doesn't have enough money to come get us anymore so we stopped going. That visit affected my brothers and I in so many ways. But I believe that with God we can overcome it. This year at LBS I learned that with God we can overcome anything and with God I overcame this visit and I was free of it! Please continue to pray for my family. Thankyou:)

Tears and the Papers

I laid there curled up in a ball in the closet that connected my room to my mom's room listening to my mom wailing. The only thoughts I had were, " why me God??", "when will this end??" Every time I cried out to God there was only silenced that followed my pleading. Where was He when my dad ran out? Where was He when my mom was crying? Why wasn't He helping me?? I was so frustrated with God! But to this day I still don't know why God let it happen to my family but I do know where He was when my Dad left or when my Mom was crying. My God was standing right beside us holding us and crying along with us. He was holding my hand while I laid there in my closet! I spent many nights in the closet listening to my mom. Looking back I can't believe I actually made it through that. It seemed to hopeless back then. I was scared I would never get my smiling and laughing mom back. It took a very long time but praise God I did get her back.
          The weeks after my dad left were really hard and full tears being shed. Around a month or two later my Dad had to come back for my great grandmas funeral. He started talking like he was gonna move back home. He said he was gonna go on another truck run and then he would be back and probably move back in. But he never did come back home. I do not know exactly what all the dates are for these events but one day we stopped in at the post office to get the mail but what we didn't know was that there were papers in there that would change out lives even more. I will never forget the gut wrenching sounds my mom made when she got in the van with that big yellow envelope. Inside were divorce papers. When we got home mom wouldn't get out of our vehicle. Once she finally had enough energy she got out and went up to her room and started wailing loud gut wrenching cries. Soon preachers and family were at our house holding each other and crying out to God. This evening is engraved in my mind forever. I thought I would never see my mom smile again and my family would never be normal again. "God, it can't get worse, can it?" What I didn't know is that it actually could get worse. But I will save that for later. Please keep my family in your prayers. We still have lots of struggles and tears but we do continue to march on with God holding our hands.