Someone Worth Dying For

Maybe you're the girl thinking you'll end up alone
Praying God, can You hear me?
Oh, God, are You listening?
Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah, I wanna believe
I wanna believe that
I'm not just some wandering soul
That You don't see and You don't know
Yeah, I wanna believe, Jesus, help me believe
That I am someone worth dying for


Am I someone worth dying for? This has been my question the last while. So many things have happened to me already this year. I am slowly making progress in my career as a nurse. I went to Elnora Bible Institute which has been by far the best experience in my life. I met my best friend there and it was only by God that I met her! This year I have also felt rejection. Last night I told my mom I am fine. I told her I'm immune to rejection and it doesn't hurt anymore. The funny part is, as I was telling her rejection has happened so often it doesn't hurt anymore, tears were flowing down my face. Ya she chuckled and informed me I will never be immune to rejection. Well today I agree with my mom. No human being will ever be immune to the feeling of rejection. My way of dealing with rejection is pushing it deep down and putting on a happy face and telling everyone I'm fine. Because I don't talk about my hurts I struggle with the thoughts I am nothing worth dying for. I am nothing worth loving. Above this paragraph are the lyrics to an amazing song that God keeps playing for me. Everytime I hear it I am reminded that I am someone worth dying for. I am someone worth loving! This is my song for the year of 2013! Today if you are feeling like you are nothing worth dying for, listen to this song! You are someone worth dying for! Someone did die for you!  Jesus, I want to believe. Help me believe I am someone worth loving and someone worth dying for!

Father Daughter Love

As I look around the room I can't help but brush away tears. My heart experiences the emotions of jealousy and joy all at the same time. What I see blesses me so much. I see fathers sitting on benches holding their daughters. But they aren't just holding them, they are holding them with pure love and pride. Oh how I long to be held like that by my own father. As I close my eyes, I pray that if God allows a man to come in my life that he would hold my future children with such love and pride. To the fathers in my church, thank-you. Thank-you for loving your daughters. To my uncles, thank-you! Thank-you for being the men in my life that I admire so much! Thank-you for showing me what I want in my future husband! I love you all so much! Bless you for loving your daughters! 

   A couple nights ago as I was driving, tears slid down my cheeks. All I wanted was a hug from my dad. But since I can't have those I run to my friends. Tonight I am thankful God has blessed me with a friend that always welcomes me with a hug! Zac, thank-you for being that godly best friend in my life I can talk to. Thank-you for giving me hugs when I needed them the most! You have no idea how thankful I am for your friendship! You have been the older brother I never had :) 

October Baby

She was a failed attempt of abortion. She was lied to. She was rejected, yet she chose to FORGIVE! This is the story of "October Baby". If you have never watched this movie, please take time and watch it. I have been so blessed by this film. It amazes me how this young girl chose forgiveness and was set free from the bonds that held onto her so tightly. After I was finished watching this film, my heart was heavy with pain. Pain for all those young souls who have been aborted and pain for all those souls out in the world who have not sought forgiveness in their own lives. Then guilt clenched my heart. Last night I was hurt and today I want to openly confess that last night and today I was holding onto bitterness and anger toward those who hurt me. Right now I want to take time to say that I forgive them! Even though the circumstances don't change, I want to  continually seek to forgive them. I want to be like the young lady in the film. I want to forgive those who hurt me and to let go of things and turn them over to God.

Happy Birthday, Dad

Happy Birthday, Dad!

Dad, today is your birthday and it saddens my heart that I can't wrap my arms around you and tell you happy birthday in person. It saddens my heart that I can't celebrate your birthday with you! But today Dad, my birthday gift to you is a small token of my love for you. Today for your birthday I will bless you with the words, I forgive you.

Heavy Heart

Her heart thudded against the walls that enclosed it. The first thud was pure anger. The second thud was disbelief. The third thud was concern. Why do people choose to do these things? Where is God when these horrible things are happening? These small children woke up for a normal day of school. Little did they know that today would turn out to be a day that would change their lives and their families lives forever. Why someone chose to walk into that school and start shooting is beyond me! But I do know that my heart is heavy! All I want to do is wrap those children in my arms and hold them until everything is over. I want to take their pain away. Why can't I take their pain away? I don't like to know other people are hurting! It doesn't seem fair that these poor little ones have to go through something so traumatizing.  Today I don't feel like I should smile or laugh or have fun while others are going through something so major. How do we go on when so many are hurting? I struggle with that question. Why should I go on in live when so any others live seem to have stopped due to pain? I have learned that I can't fix everyone's pain. I can't make things go away for them. But I can pray for them. Often it seems like such a small thing but I know for a fact that when people tell me they are praying for my family it makes the world of a difference. So today lets come together in prayer. Every small prayer counts. Pray for the family's who have lost loved ones. Pray for healing for those who are injured. Most of all pray for those who were affected. Pray that this will not allow them to become bitter but that it would draw them to the Lord. Pray that over Christmas they would feel Jesus holding them! Pray makes a difference!

If We Are The Body

"Its crowded in worship today, but she slips in trying to fade into the faces. The girl's teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know.... A stranger is far away from home and sheds his coat and quietly slips into the back row. The weight of their judgmental glances tells him that his chances are better out on the road." Today these lines in Casting Crowns' song, "If We are the Body" have really struck me. How many times have I seen someone try to fade into the faces and I just stood there and watched and didn't go make them feel like they are someone? How many times has my teasing voice carried farther than I realized? How many times has your teasing laughter carried farther than you realized? The song goes on to say that if we are the body than why aren't his arms reaching? Why aren't his hands healing? Why aren't his words teaching? Why aren't his feet going? Why is his love not showing them there is a way? How many times have I hindered God's body from reaching someone? I am suppose to show people that everyone is loved by God instead of showing them that only if you have a good past, only if you look and dress a certain way can you receive the love of Christ. The song goes on the say that Jesus paid too high a price for us to pick and choose who should go. If we are the body we need to reach out to others. We need to go make that stranger feel he is welcome and allow him to feel the love of God. I am sure that we wouldn't want to be the person that feels odd and unwelcome. I am sure we have all at some point felt that and I am sure that we didn't like the feeling. Since we didn't like the feeling, do you think others like that feeling? No one like to feel unwelcome and left out so lets put an effort forth to welcome everyone no matter how they look and no matter what their pasts holds. God welcomes everyone and since we are his hands and feet then we need to welcome everyone too. That stranger may have never heard the love of Christ and you may be his only chance. Lets be the hands and feet of Jesus and show the love of God. Lets stop judging and allow people to have a chance. Guys judging people does not define who they are it defines who we are. " Do not judge. You don't know what storm I have asked her to walk through!"  -God  Lets be the hands and feet of Jesus. 

Just Another Step of Forgiveness.

Four years came and went with a phone call here and a couple texts there, yet I never did see his face. A part of me was glad he never did show his face. Not seeing him helped me work through the pain and rejection he left me. I knew seeing him would stir up so many feelings and I didn't want to work through them again. But the time to see his face again crept up on me this Thanksgiving. The day had come to see my Dad after four years. My body was telling me not to go see him but my heart was telling me it would be the right thing to do.  Finally I lifted my face to heaven and whispered, "Lord, if you want me to see him then I will. But you will have to make it possible. " I knew that seeing my Dad again was another step in the endless forgiveness process. And I knew that this was a way I could show my brothers how good it was to forgive Dad for all the pain he caused us. That evening there were butterfly's bouncing up against the walls of my stomach. Everything within me was telling me to run. But I made that short trek over to my Uncles store and opened the door. The door slammed behind me and I looked around. On top of the steps my eyes caught sight of the face that promised me he would never leave. The face that hurt me and rejected me. Instead of  screaming at him and telling him how wrong this was that I couldn't just go home an see my Dad like normal 19 year old girls, I embraced him. I sat with him and my aunt and we talked for awhile. In those 20 minutes that we talked, never did my father ask me a question about myself. Never did he ask me if I'm still pursuing my dreams he always told me to chase. How could I look at him and still feel sorry for him and love him? My answer is short. GOD. God gave me strength to make it through that night. God gave me strength to once again forgive him. Yes, this weekend has been extremely hard on my family with seeing my dad again. Many things we had worked through and had overcome we now have to go backwards and rework through them again  But because of God and His promise to never leave us, we will make it. Because of God I can love my dad even when he hurts me. This weekend I have learned how amazing freedom is and how amazing it is to forgive and move on with life. I am so thankful for my God and His plan for salvation. Most of all I am extremely thankful to have a heavenly father who never breaks His promise. His promise of never forsaking us. God gives us hard things but He doesn't give us more than we can handle. 
Thank-you Lord, for helping me forgive my father and for helping me up those many steps of the forgiveness process. Thank-you Lord, for turning ashes into beauty. Thank-you Lord for coming into my own life and being a Father to me and  filling the voids in my heart my earthly father left. Lord, thank-you for not giving me more than I can handle. Lord, you mean so much to me and I just wanted to tell you that I hunger for you and I love you!