Loner

Today I realized something about myself. I realized I am a loner. I don't always like to do things alone but I often do. The reason why is simple. When I do things alone I don't have to worry about hurting anyone and I don't have to worry about getting hurt. When I'm alone the only person that can get hurt is me and I'm not going to hurt myself. I play the game of life safely. But here is the question. Is this a good thing? Is it good for me to do things alone just because I am scared of getting hurt? I don't think so. Christ did not create me to be alone. He created me to be a friend. How can I be someone's friend if I keep away from people and even if I am with people I hold them at arm's length. But the fear of being abandoned is so powerful and its starting to yet again have a stronghold on my life. Once again I have to work through the process of giving this fear over to God. Once again I have to work through the process of giving everything over to God. But this is hard. What if God lets me down. Yes, I know God won't let me down but this is so hard for me to grasp because sometimes I view God like I view my Dad. The past couple weeks I have been fighting myself. One part of me wants to keep building walls but the other part of me wants to tear down the walls that have been making their way around my heart again. This week someone reminded me that forgiveness is a process. Today his words really sank in. Not only is forgiveness a process but trusting and giving things over to God is a process. I will probably for the rest of my life struggle with tearing down walls. I will always struggle with the fear of rejection and abandonment. But its a process. And I hope that this process will get easier. But right now this process is hard. Especially with the holidays coming up. But I will keep on fighting. And slowly the arms length that I hold on people will become shorter. And even though the fear of abandonment and hurt will always be a part of my life, one day it will become easier and easier to overcome as the process goes on. So continue to pray for me since my battles are not and never will be over with. And I will start to play the game of life not so safely. 

Surrender

Tonight I knelt at the altar and I surrendered. I surrendered my dreams. I don't understand why God wants me to do what He does. I feel incapable of conquering the challenge He has set in front of me. I don't feel strong enough to run the race. Tonight when I knelt at the altar I learned I have to do what God is calling me to do no matter how alone I will feel and no matter what people will say of me. Surrendering that was the hardest part! And then a brother came up to me and he told me he doesn't know me but he noticed me the past two nights and he senses that God is doing something in my life. He just wants to tell me to go and do it! I didn't know what to say at first. How did he know I needed to hear those words? Everything he said I shouldn't worry about was something I was worrying about. Then him and a friend prayed over me.  This brother has no idea how much he hit everything just perfectly. But there is one person who knew I need to hear those words. That one person is the Almighty Father. The Ruler of All. Even though my dreams look impossible and the dreams God has for me look impossible I know that with God I can accomplish them and I can't wait to see where God leads me!

Thank-you for being you

Tonight I watched a movie about a young man who was a strong christian. He started dating a girl who wasn't a christian and she wanted to take him to parties and do things that we as Christians do not believe in but because he was such a strong christian he didn't give into the temptation. It started to amaze me how he never gave up no matter how odd he looked to the rest of the world. I was so glad I watched this movie because I have been been struggling with why I have to be the one with such a strong conviction for some things. It often feels like I'm alone and don't belong anywhere because of the things I believe are right and wrong. Sometimes I am scared I will be alone forever in this world. I'm scared that if I live in my town for the rest of my life I will never be accepted. But in the end of the movie the young man won over hearts to the Lord. In the end he was accepted for who he was. It amazed me how in the end it all panned out. Then a thought struck me. One day someone will accept me for who I am. One day someone will look at me and say thank-you for being you! Guys I can't wait to hear those words! I am so excited for the day where I will belong somewhere perfectly and be loved for who I am. Until then I guess I will have to wait patiently. In the mean time I am going to encourage people to be who they are. I want to bless people who have made an impact on my life. In order to be accepted and loved I also have to allow others to feel accepted and loved.

Strongholds

Today I have a strange feeling! I feel joy and sadness all at the same time. This weekend I was at my LBS reunion. I was not sure what to expect for the weekend. I didn't know how some things would work out. There were so many things I wanted to happen to me at the reunion but none of them happened. Yet I am happy. I am happy because a year ago I would have been depressed because my weekend didn't go how I wanted it to. I would have been miserable the whole weekend because nothing went how I thought it should. But I didn't become depressed. Instead I am happy! I put myself out there and enjoyed my weekend even though I wanted it to go a bit differently. I guess I am happy because this weekend I realized that I have overcome. I have overcome controlling. I am ready to let God do His work. I realized I can have a way better time if God is in control. Things don't always need to be my way. I am glad I wasn't in control this weekend because I like how things turned out!

God's Tool

Mondays are suppose to be bad, right? Well my Monday has been amazing! I have been struggling with the question if I should keep on writing my blog. I have gotten so many wonderful comments about my blog but at the same time hurtful words have been shared. The last thing I want to do with my blog is hurt people. My desire for my blog is to reach the lost and the hurting. My mission on this Earth is to help those who are hurting. I want to take my hurtful life story and turn it into a beautiful story to help others. This morning I walked into work and one of the guys I work with told me he wants to talk to me before I open the store. He began to tell me how he read my blog and how blessed he was. He told me he can relate with me. He told me that we go through hard things but we can then embrace those hard times and turn them into something wonderful. How true is that? God allows us to go through hard times but He also allows us to take those hard times and turn them into a beautiful picture.This morning I realized Satan has been attacking me. He has been using friends and family as his tools of attacking me. I was thinking that in order to resolve some issues I might have to shut down my blog. But then I realized that would be allowing Satan to win. That is the last thing I want to do! I want to do what God wants me to do. So I will continue to write about my story. I like to look at myself as God's tool. I am God's tool! How amazing is that. How amazing is it that my Creator chose me to be His tool? Little, old, normal, everyday person me? Wow! Because I am God's tool, I will not be ashamed of my story! I will not be ashamed to tell people all the hurt I have experienced and am experiencing! Six years ago God let the unthinkable happen to me and my family. But six years later God lets me share my story to bring Him honor and glory. If I wouldn't have forgiven my father, I would not be sharing my story. I wouldn't be able to talk about him at all. I wouldn't be the person I am right now. I know I have forgiven and I know that God is now going to allow me to use my story of forgiveness for the rest of my life. Today when I was talking with the guy at work a man walked into our store and he was a pastor at a local church. Before I knew I knew what was happening he was praying for me. He prayed that God would give me the words for my blog. It was then that I realized that I need to keep writing my blog. So my morning has been quite exciting. Today I can thank God for allowing my father to leave. Today I thank God for forgiveness. Today I am excited to share my story because I can't wait to help someone work through something hard and to help them forgive! My God never leaves my side!

Belonging

Well, I have not  posted anything in a couple weeks and too be honest I'm not sure what to post. Life has been a little hard the last while but at the same time its also been good. The feelings of not fitting in anywhere have entered every corner of my heart. I have come to a point where I am so scared if I go hang out with people I will experience that feeling of not being wanted. This fear has caused me to hide in my room weekends and to put walls up around my heart. This fear is wrong! I want to be the person that is a friend to all and puts herself out there hangs out with whoever. But at the same time that's hard. I remember a few years ago when I had one group to hang out with every weekend. I remember the feeling of being wanted. Its hard for me to be happy with where I am at today when I look back on the past and remember how easy those times were. Then I remember that we are not called to look on the past nor to look into the future but to look on today and live for what we have now. So today I want to stop focusing on the past but remember what I have today. Every time the feeling of not fitting in anywhere enters my heart I want to remember that I do fit in somewhere. I fit in my Savior's arms. I fit in my family. Most of all I fit in at the hospital and that is where God is calling me. Yes, a couple years ago I fit in with a group of friends, but today I fit in at the hospital and that brings me so much more happiness and fulfillment.

Alone

I shivered as the cold crushed its way against my bones. "What am I doing here?" "Why am I alone?" I open my eyes expecting to see walls all around but instead when I pushed open my eyes I saw color. I saw people. I was standing in a circle with people my age. The room wasn't dark at all. In fact it wasn't a room. I was outside experiencing a scenery that normally brought smiles to the faces of people. Yet, here I was at this place that brought friends together with smiles but I felt alone. How could I feel alone with so many people around me. People that were my friends. Then it hit me. I didn't belong here. I wasn't excepted here. Where do I belong? Where am I wanted? I felt eyes upon me. I looked around until I found those eyes of love. He wanted me! I ran towards Him, pushing people aside and forgetting about whatever was keeping me from Him. All I wanted was Him. I was tired of feeling alone in a crowd of people. As I finally reached Him, He wrapped His arms around me and looked into my big eyes of dismay and said, " Daughter, do not fear. You are not alone for I ,your God, am with you." As He said those words tears of hurt and rejection ran down my flushed cheeks. He squeezed me against Himself and then He cried with me. Through my sobbing I asked Him why I had to feel alone all the time. He would just holder me closer and cry even harder. When the tears had subsided, He knelt down and wiped the moisture from my cheeks. He looked me in the eyes and said, " Sami, always remember that you are never alone. I am always right beside you! One day this feeling will go away.  But for right now I just need you to feel wanted by me. I want you to want me! Once you truly want me, the things people say won't bother you. The feeling of being lonely won't bother you because you will have me. And I will be all you care about. So Sami, want me with all you have and the rest will fall into place." When I opened my eyes I was in a big, dark, cold room all by myself. But I felt warm and I didn't feel alone. Through the darkness a gentle voice came. "Sami, you wanted me!"