Loner

Today I realized something about myself. I realized I am a loner. I don't always like to do things alone but I often do. The reason why is simple. When I do things alone I don't have to worry about hurting anyone and I don't have to worry about getting hurt. When I'm alone the only person that can get hurt is me and I'm not going to hurt myself. I play the game of life safely. But here is the question. Is this a good thing? Is it good for me to do things alone just because I am scared of getting hurt? I don't think so. Christ did not create me to be alone. He created me to be a friend. How can I be someone's friend if I keep away from people and even if I am with people I hold them at arm's length. But the fear of being abandoned is so powerful and its starting to yet again have a stronghold on my life. Once again I have to work through the process of giving this fear over to God. Once again I have to work through the process of giving everything over to God. But this is hard. What if God lets me down. Yes, I know God won't let me down but this is so hard for me to grasp because sometimes I view God like I view my Dad. The past couple weeks I have been fighting myself. One part of me wants to keep building walls but the other part of me wants to tear down the walls that have been making their way around my heart again. This week someone reminded me that forgiveness is a process. Today his words really sank in. Not only is forgiveness a process but trusting and giving things over to God is a process. I will probably for the rest of my life struggle with tearing down walls. I will always struggle with the fear of rejection and abandonment. But its a process. And I hope that this process will get easier. But right now this process is hard. Especially with the holidays coming up. But I will keep on fighting. And slowly the arms length that I hold on people will become shorter. And even though the fear of abandonment and hurt will always be a part of my life, one day it will become easier and easier to overcome as the process goes on. So continue to pray for me since my battles are not and never will be over with. And I will start to play the game of life not so safely.