DISTANCE

      Distance. The word makes me shiver.So often when I think of the word distance, I think of the many miles that separate me from my best friend. But the last while when I think of the word distance I think of the space between God and me. I feel like there is so much distance between us. I feel like He has abandoned me and completely forgot about me. I have been struggling with this for a couple of weeks now and I would keep pushing it underneath until finally last week I felt like I was completely depressed. I knew what was really bothering me but kept telling myself that the distance between I and God would have to wait because right now I have to much studying to do for finals. Finally the stress of school and the stress of that distance got to me. So I sat at my desk and pulled out my bible (the last thing I felt like doing) and began to read and think. Slowly the pieces came together. I was angry at God. I was angry at God for leaving me and forgetting about me. In my mind I know God doesn't leave me and I know that He doesn't forget about me. But my heart and my mind aren't communicating! Well I prayed and cried about it that day and then the rest of the week I kept trying to figure out how to make my heart and my mind communicate. And I kept trying to figure out why I struggled with this so much. Then tonight as I was talking with my best friend everything began to click. The reason I struggle with thinking God forgot about me and He abandoned me is because I often view God  the way I view my earthly father. I often think God is there but He really doesn't want anything to do with me. Yes, He loves me, but He loves other things more and chooses them over me. In other words, I viewed God as Him being there but really not caring about me or what is going on in my life. With my mind filled with these thoughts I opened my bible and the first thing I saw on the page I turned to was CRUCIFIXION. Wow! So I sat down and read that terrible yet amazing story. Jesus loved me so much that He endured being mocked, being spit on, and being crucified. As He hung on the cross His body became weaker and weaker and eventually He suffocated to His death. Jesus loved me so much that he endured all those horrible things! But how do I make my heart believe that? How do I make my heart believe that God is there and will never ever abandoned me and that He cares so much about the things I'm going through and feeling? How do I stop viewing God the same way I view my earthly father? I don't have the answers to these questions. But I do know that if I take it one day at a time and continually spend time with God, I will over come this fear inside of me that God really doesn't care about me. And from now on when I hear the word distance I will think of it as a challenge. A challenge to overcome the distance that separates me from God!