God's Tool

Mondays are suppose to be bad, right? Well my Monday has been amazing! I have been struggling with the question if I should keep on writing my blog. I have gotten so many wonderful comments about my blog but at the same time hurtful words have been shared. The last thing I want to do with my blog is hurt people. My desire for my blog is to reach the lost and the hurting. My mission on this Earth is to help those who are hurting. I want to take my hurtful life story and turn it into a beautiful story to help others. This morning I walked into work and one of the guys I work with told me he wants to talk to me before I open the store. He began to tell me how he read my blog and how blessed he was. He told me he can relate with me. He told me that we go through hard things but we can then embrace those hard times and turn them into something wonderful. How true is that? God allows us to go through hard times but He also allows us to take those hard times and turn them into a beautiful picture.This morning I realized Satan has been attacking me. He has been using friends and family as his tools of attacking me. I was thinking that in order to resolve some issues I might have to shut down my blog. But then I realized that would be allowing Satan to win. That is the last thing I want to do! I want to do what God wants me to do. So I will continue to write about my story. I like to look at myself as God's tool. I am God's tool! How amazing is that. How amazing is it that my Creator chose me to be His tool? Little, old, normal, everyday person me? Wow! Because I am God's tool, I will not be ashamed of my story! I will not be ashamed to tell people all the hurt I have experienced and am experiencing! Six years ago God let the unthinkable happen to me and my family. But six years later God lets me share my story to bring Him honor and glory. If I wouldn't have forgiven my father, I would not be sharing my story. I wouldn't be able to talk about him at all. I wouldn't be the person I am right now. I know I have forgiven and I know that God is now going to allow me to use my story of forgiveness for the rest of my life. Today when I was talking with the guy at work a man walked into our store and he was a pastor at a local church. Before I knew I knew what was happening he was praying for me. He prayed that God would give me the words for my blog. It was then that I realized that I need to keep writing my blog. So my morning has been quite exciting. Today I can thank God for allowing my father to leave. Today I thank God for forgiveness. Today I am excited to share my story because I can't wait to help someone work through something hard and to help them forgive! My God never leaves my side!

Belonging

Well, I have not  posted anything in a couple weeks and too be honest I'm not sure what to post. Life has been a little hard the last while but at the same time its also been good. The feelings of not fitting in anywhere have entered every corner of my heart. I have come to a point where I am so scared if I go hang out with people I will experience that feeling of not being wanted. This fear has caused me to hide in my room weekends and to put walls up around my heart. This fear is wrong! I want to be the person that is a friend to all and puts herself out there hangs out with whoever. But at the same time that's hard. I remember a few years ago when I had one group to hang out with every weekend. I remember the feeling of being wanted. Its hard for me to be happy with where I am at today when I look back on the past and remember how easy those times were. Then I remember that we are not called to look on the past nor to look into the future but to look on today and live for what we have now. So today I want to stop focusing on the past but remember what I have today. Every time the feeling of not fitting in anywhere enters my heart I want to remember that I do fit in somewhere. I fit in my Savior's arms. I fit in my family. Most of all I fit in at the hospital and that is where God is calling me. Yes, a couple years ago I fit in with a group of friends, but today I fit in at the hospital and that brings me so much more happiness and fulfillment.

Alone

I shivered as the cold crushed its way against my bones. "What am I doing here?" "Why am I alone?" I open my eyes expecting to see walls all around but instead when I pushed open my eyes I saw color. I saw people. I was standing in a circle with people my age. The room wasn't dark at all. In fact it wasn't a room. I was outside experiencing a scenery that normally brought smiles to the faces of people. Yet, here I was at this place that brought friends together with smiles but I felt alone. How could I feel alone with so many people around me. People that were my friends. Then it hit me. I didn't belong here. I wasn't excepted here. Where do I belong? Where am I wanted? I felt eyes upon me. I looked around until I found those eyes of love. He wanted me! I ran towards Him, pushing people aside and forgetting about whatever was keeping me from Him. All I wanted was Him. I was tired of feeling alone in a crowd of people. As I finally reached Him, He wrapped His arms around me and looked into my big eyes of dismay and said, " Daughter, do not fear. You are not alone for I ,your God, am with you." As He said those words tears of hurt and rejection ran down my flushed cheeks. He squeezed me against Himself and then He cried with me. Through my sobbing I asked Him why I had to feel alone all the time. He would just holder me closer and cry even harder. When the tears had subsided, He knelt down and wiped the moisture from my cheeks. He looked me in the eyes and said, " Sami, always remember that you are never alone. I am always right beside you! One day this feeling will go away.  But for right now I just need you to feel wanted by me. I want you to want me! Once you truly want me, the things people say won't bother you. The feeling of being lonely won't bother you because you will have me. And I will be all you care about. So Sami, want me with all you have and the rest will fall into place." When I opened my eyes I was in a big, dark, cold room all by myself. But I felt warm and I didn't feel alone. Through the darkness a gentle voice came. "Sami, you wanted me!"