Today I Long....

Today I long to pick up the phone and tell you about my life. I long to tell you how I am living in the dream you wanted for me. I long to tell you how hard this dream is but how fulfilling it is at the same time. I long to tell you how lonely my life gets. I long to tell you how God has brought our family through so much! I long to tell you what I really want to do with my nursing career. I long to tell you about the struggles in my life. I long to feel your arms around me. I long to hear you tell me that everything will be alright. I long to tell you how much it hurt that you chose others over me. I long to tell you that even though your leaving shattered my world into a million pieces, I chose to allow it to make me a stronger person! I long to tell you how I wish you would have been there to protect me when someone broke my heart. I long to tell you how I wish you were around to tell me that someone will one day love me for who I am.I long to tell you that I pray for you! Most of all I long to tell you that I have forgiven you! It isn't just a one step deal. I have to forgive you over and over again. Today I long to talk to you!

Shattered Worlds

Tonight my heart is breaking in a million pieces! I look around me and all I see is people hurting. I see people on their knees crying out to God and all they hear is silence. I see tears splattering onto the ground because no one is there to catch them. "Lord where are you? Why are you allowing so many people to hurt?" What tears at my heart the most is not being able to take everyone's pain away! If that tears, at my heart then what must God be feeling right now? No, we don't understand why He allows such horrible things to occur, but He never leaves us through those horrible incidents. Soon after my dad left I use to sit in my closet at night and cry till I had no more tears to cry. In those moments when I was curled up on the floor sobbing, I felt so alone. My tears were splashing onto the carpet with no one there to catch them. Looking back now, I don't just see a heart broken little girl curled up in a ball on the floor sobbing alone. I see a man holding me, with his hands under my cheeks catching not only my tears but his tears as well. Looking back I see my heavenly daddy holding me and crying with me! Tonight I know that even though it doesn't seem like He cares, He is holding each of those precious families and He is catching their tears and His tears! For the rest of us whose worlds aren't being shaken quite as much as others around us, all we can do is pray! Let's come together and pray for those who are hurting and are going through something that seems unbearable! Let's cry with them! Let's hold them up when they are falling down! Let's always remember that God is crying with us! We are never alone!

Only Takes One Drop

In the past couple weeks I have been reminded how one act of kindness can start a whole chain of acts of kindness! In exactly one weeks time, two people filled up my car with gas for me! So for two weeks I didn't have to spend money on gas. These acts of kindness reminded me how much God loves me! I remember after one incident I sat in my car and just cried! The tears that flowed down my face were not tears of sorrow but tears of joy and thankfulness. God's love was so real to me that night. I felt His arms of love wrap around my shaking body not once, but twice! After these acts of kindness occurred to me I wanted to go do something kind for someone else. Then a thought struck me! It only takes one person. It only takes me to start a chain of acts of kindness. This chain could stretch around the whole world! This chain could change the world! Yes, life is hard sometimes. Yes, we sometimes feel depressed about where we are in life but when we go and add to that chain, we not only brighten someones day, we brighten our own day! We can change the world together. Just one drop of your love! It only takes one drop!

Where Feet May Fail

"I will call upon Your name and keep my eyes above the waves. When oceans rise my soul will rest in Your embrace for I am Yours and You are mine!"  I love this song but this morning it took on a whole new meaning for me. I have been following a page on Facebook about a girl who fell and is now paralyzed. Today she had a video of her singing this song and then a thought struck me. Would I be singing this song if I was in her shoes? Would I have a smile on my face? I was really challenged by her faith and trust in Jesus. Then she sang some words that really struck me and started to really challenge me. "Spirit lead me when my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, where ever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wonder and my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior!" Am I willing to walk upon the waters, where ever God calls me? In the past couple weeks I have not been willing to walk upon the waters for fear of failure. I did not keep my eyes above the waves. But I am His and He is mine so I will keep my eyes above the waves and I will call upon his name when storms arise. Becoming a nurse seems impossible. Nursing school is the wave that I see coming in the distance and I have turned the opposite direction and have started running. When it crashes in me I'll go down and I won't get back up. I have to run! Then something makes me turn around and walk at the wave. I take a step into the water. I see the ocean coming closer. Everything within me wants to turn and run, but I will keep my eyes above the wave!

Why Am I Doing This?

As I'm sitting at my desk trying to study for my chemistry exam, I keep asking myself why I'm putting myself through this. Why not just have a normal job instead of putting myself through extreme stress of nursing school. In other words, I was completely stressing myself out!! I decided to grab my devotional book and one of the first things I read was, " TRUST ME AND REFUSE TO WORRY, for I am your Strength and Song. You are feeling wobbly this morning, looking at difficult times looming ahead, measuring them against your own strength........ Since I am your Strength, I can empower you to handle each task as it comes. Because I am your Song, I can give you Joy as you work alongside Me." The thought I love the most is that God empowers us to handle each task that comes our way! As I look back through my life I see that this is true! I never could have made it through some things if God hadn't given me the power to make it through. And I know that if God wants me to be a nurse then He will have to empower me for each task because I can't do it on my own. I know that on my own I will never make it through nursing school but with God I can make it! I know that through nursing school, God is going to teach me to turn my worrying into trusting Him. As you think of me, pray that I would find motivation and strength. Pray that I wouldn't listen to the devil's voice of failure. Pray that I would continue to turn my worrying into trust. Pray that I would be an example of God's love to the people I can in contact with along my journey. Pray that people will see that I am different!! Thank-you in advance for your thoughts and prayers! I most definitely couldn't make it through this journey with out the encouraging words of friends and family! Blessing to each one of you!

LOVE

The definition of love: an intense feeling of deep affection. Ouch! That is how my love for Jesus should be described and honestly that does not describe my feelings for Him. This past weekend I have been angry at Him! "Why me, Lord? Why my family? Why do you take people away? Why does my friend have to experience that?" An intense feeling of deep affection. Tonight as I sit at my desk worrying about my circumstances God showed me that I am empty. Tonight He showed me I need more of His peace. After showing me that I am not filled with His peace, He showed me that I am not completely in love with Him. Falling in love with someone I can't see seems impossible! Tonight I want to fall in love with God! How do I get to the point where I have an intense feeling of deep affection for Him? Sadly it can't happen over night :( We need to be open to His love. We need to give ourselves fully. We need to praise Him instead of always requesting. We need to communicate with Him all the time! To me this seems so hard since I can't see Him. But tonight I want to fall in love with Him!! I pray that all of us want to have an intense feeling of deep affection for our Saviour!

Darkness

Darkness! I groped the wall looking for a light switch or anything that would allow light to enter the dark room, but there was nothing. I stumbled along what seemed to be a path. With my shaky voice I questioned what I was doing in this place. The only response I received was the darkness. Where was the end to this dark room? I needed to get out! I needed to see light! My foot struck something on the path and I felt my body lurch forward. I tried to grab something to break my fall but with the darkness around me I couldn't see to grab a hold of anything. My face hit the floor with a smack. I lay there for awhile wondering what the point was to even stand up. If I stood up I would just walk in circles and fall over and over again. Hot tears ran down my face. Why did it have to be so dark? Why couldn't I see what was in front of me? Suddenly I felt someone grab my hand and help me to stand up. Instantly I knew by the kindness in his touch that it was my Master. "Master, why is it so dark? Why can't I see what's ahead of me?" With the tenderness in His voice, He replied, "Because I hold what is ahead of you. You don't need to know. All you need to do is hold my hand and trust me!" Trust Him?? But what if He suddenly let go of my hand and I would fall again? As if He was reading my mind, He looked and me and said, " Sami, I won't let go of your hand! I am always with you even if you fall. When you fall I will help you stand up! Just take my hand and together we will make it through the darkness." I held tightly to His hand and looked up at Him, " Lord, you have called me to do something that seems beyond what I can handle. I don't know how I will become who you want me to become! Its too hard and I can't see ahead of me to see if I will make it through! He looked at me with loving eyes and said, "Samantha, just hold my hand and stay on My path and you will make it through! Just trust me!" He took a step forward and held out his hand. I looked at his hand and then into the blackness. Slowly I extended my hand until it was in His and together we stepped into the darkness.

Loving Myself

Do you ever struggle with loving yourself? Tonight I realized something about myself that I really don't want to face but I know I have to. Tonight I realized I really don't love myself. So often I think people don't notice me and I'm not wanted or good enough for them but then I realized that I think that about myself so I assume that other people think that about me too. Often I degrade myself and believe the lies the devil tells me. "Sami, your a nobody and people don't wanna be with a nobody. Sami, your body isn't perfect and that means no guy will fall in love with you. Sami, no one wants to date someone who comes from a broken home. Sami, people just don't like you." These are some of the lies I hear and I'm ashamed to say that I do believe them sometimes. But Satan knows our weak points and that is when he hits us with his lies that he longs for us to believe. I long to be the person who believes in themselves and knows that their perfect just the way they are. Something that amazes me is that God loves me even when I believe the lies satan tells me. God loves me no matter what! Why would he? Why would God love us? Because we are His! We are God's and that is all we should care about. When satan attacks us with his lies, we need to tell him that we are Gods. God created me for a reason! I am loved by God and God made me perfect just the way I am! Tonight I want to stop hating myself. I want to stop believing Satans lies. I want to be secure in God and his love for me! Lord, help me to hear your voice over the enemies voice!

Good Night Kisses

Quick! The word that flashes through my mind every night at work. Quick get this resident done and move onto the next one! Quick because I don't want to run behind. I need to stay caught up! Quick get her tucked into bed then I can move onto the next one! I share a quick smile and say good night and am ready to dart out the door,but then something stops me. The resident looks at me, smiles, and then out of no where kisses me on the cheek and says good night! Those moments are the moments that get you through the night. I no longer want to rush out the door. I want to sit and watch them sleep and enjoy the moment. I want to enjoy the moment of the good night kiss. Why rush and skip these moments? Sometimes these good night kisses are missed because I am in such a hurry to get finished on time or I'm too busy worrying about not getting finished on time. As soon as that good night kiss hits your cheek, the worries flee and you realize its okay to slow down! Its okay to run behind because these good night kisses are more important. Nursing Assistants aren't the only people with the word quick in their vocabulary. They aren't the only ones who rush around and miss moments that should be cherished. We as Christians are always rushing around worrying about what tomorrow brings. We are so busy worrying and having self pity that we miss the small moments that God brings our way. Sometimes those moments are there to show us that everything will be okay because God is in control. We miss those good night kisses. But when we stop, pray, and look around those good night kisses will appear everywhere! Lets not worry about what tomorrow brings! Lets stop, pray, and cherish the good night kisses. 

EASTER: God's Love

As the whip hit his back, he buckled with pain. Blood oozed out of the gashes on his back. As I stood there watching, tears streamed down my face. Why were they hurting him? Wasn't he the one who was healing people? I couldn't even begin to understand the pain, rejection, and anger he was going through at the moment! As I was watching them beat him, he looked up and looked right at me. His eyes were so full of compassion. When he looked at me, all the fear that was within me left. The sense of calmness overpowered the sense of fear.

Suddenly the soldiers grabbed him and shoved a crown of thorns on his head. As his scream of anguish reached my ears, I instantly threw my hands over my ears. I couldn't bear to hear the pain in his voice. After they shoved the crown on his head, they made him stand to his feet. What they did next was more than my heart could bear. Upon the deep gashes on his back, they laid a cross and he had to carry it. As he stumbled down the path, tears streamed down his face. But his tears were down occurring because of the pain he was feeling. His tears were tears of compassion for those who were rejecting him. Suddenly the cross became to heavy to bear and Jesus fell to the ground. A man was commanded to carry the cross for him. While Jesus was staggering along the path, people starting spitting on him and yelling, "Crucify him!" As I stood along the path watching and listening, my heart became heavy. I started screaming and begging people to stop but it was like no one could hear me. 

Love Most when Deserved Least

Most people need love the MOST when they deserve it the LEAST. I was reading a book and this line jumped out at me. How often do I ignore people when they need love the most? I was convicted because I know that after people hurt me, I normally don't love them back. My normal response is anger and hurt and I choose to ignore them. But today God told me that when people hurt me, that is when I need to love them the most. God asks us to do some pretty hard things, huh? The past two months have been stormy for me and it seems impossible to love those who hurt you. In the past two days two people have told me that I need to forgive and love again. I told my mom that its hard because it seems like people do the same things over and over again. How can I forgive when I know its just going to happen again? I told my mom that I'm just not ready to forgive right now! The cut is too deep. Then my mom told me that I need to pray and voice to God that I want to forgive that person. On top of asking God to help me forgive them, I need to ask God to help me love them. It doesn't seem fair though. It feels like all I do in life is forgive people! I thought it was going to be enough to forgive my Dad but now I need to forgive friends and family. But when it doesn't seem fair, I remind myself that God has forgiven me over and over and over again. If He can forgive me and love me again than I can forgive and love those who don't seem to deserve it!    "Lord help me to love and forgive again. Help me to be like You. Help me to overcome the hurt in my life. Help me to surrender the hard things in my life over to You! Lord, help me make it through this stormy part of my life."

The Promises of my Daddy

My amazing family

My little brothers :)

My little brother :) So glad he is still with us today!

The one who understand everything about me!

My Rosie! Oh how I miss her!

My favorite person in the whole world!

My bestie :)

My "big sister"

My life has changed allot in the last month. I am officially working at Walnut Hills nursing home and on Wednesday my CNA classes begin. Hopefully by the end of April I will be working as a CNA. Yes, I can't believe my dreams are slowly coming together. My plans are to work as a CNA while I attend school to become a RN. Becoming a nurse was a dream my dad and I had for my life. But today I have to conquer this dream alone. This dream of becoming a nurse looks like a giant mountain that I cannot conquer. As I stand at the bottom of this large mountain fear grips every part of my small being. How am I suppose to reach the top? Am I not just a small person in a world full of more intelligent people who are way more equipped to reach the top of the mountain? Lord, how do you expect me to climb this mountain? There is no way I'll make it! Oh Lord, why do you put the desires of being a nurse in my heart? Why does my dream have to be so hard to reach? Suddenly all my questions are shattered by the sternness of a loud voice! "Samantha Jo Raber! Have I not shown you before that with Me, you CAN make it through the hard times? Have I not shown you that I only give you what I know you can handle. Sami Jo, I will not leave you stranded on the middle of the mountain. I will be with you always." I love the promises of my daddy!

Someone Worth Dying For

Maybe you're the girl thinking you'll end up alone
Praying God, can You hear me?
Oh, God, are You listening?
Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah, I wanna believe
I wanna believe that
I'm not just some wandering soul
That You don't see and You don't know
Yeah, I wanna believe, Jesus, help me believe
That I am someone worth dying for


Am I someone worth dying for? This has been my question the last while. So many things have happened to me already this year. I am slowly making progress in my career as a nurse. I went to Elnora Bible Institute which has been by far the best experience in my life. I met my best friend there and it was only by God that I met her! This year I have also felt rejection. Last night I told my mom I am fine. I told her I'm immune to rejection and it doesn't hurt anymore. The funny part is, as I was telling her rejection has happened so often it doesn't hurt anymore, tears were flowing down my face. Ya she chuckled and informed me I will never be immune to rejection. Well today I agree with my mom. No human being will ever be immune to the feeling of rejection. My way of dealing with rejection is pushing it deep down and putting on a happy face and telling everyone I'm fine. Because I don't talk about my hurts I struggle with the thoughts I am nothing worth dying for. I am nothing worth loving. Above this paragraph are the lyrics to an amazing song that God keeps playing for me. Everytime I hear it I am reminded that I am someone worth dying for. I am someone worth loving! This is my song for the year of 2013! Today if you are feeling like you are nothing worth dying for, listen to this song! You are someone worth dying for! Someone did die for you!  Jesus, I want to believe. Help me believe I am someone worth loving and someone worth dying for!

Father Daughter Love

As I look around the room I can't help but brush away tears. My heart experiences the emotions of jealousy and joy all at the same time. What I see blesses me so much. I see fathers sitting on benches holding their daughters. But they aren't just holding them, they are holding them with pure love and pride. Oh how I long to be held like that by my own father. As I close my eyes, I pray that if God allows a man to come in my life that he would hold my future children with such love and pride. To the fathers in my church, thank-you. Thank-you for loving your daughters. To my uncles, thank-you! Thank-you for being the men in my life that I admire so much! Thank-you for showing me what I want in my future husband! I love you all so much! Bless you for loving your daughters! 

   A couple nights ago as I was driving, tears slid down my cheeks. All I wanted was a hug from my dad. But since I can't have those I run to my friends. Tonight I am thankful God has blessed me with a friend that always welcomes me with a hug! Zac, thank-you for being that godly best friend in my life I can talk to. Thank-you for giving me hugs when I needed them the most! You have no idea how thankful I am for your friendship! You have been the older brother I never had :) 

October Baby

She was a failed attempt of abortion. She was lied to. She was rejected, yet she chose to FORGIVE! This is the story of "October Baby". If you have never watched this movie, please take time and watch it. I have been so blessed by this film. It amazes me how this young girl chose forgiveness and was set free from the bonds that held onto her so tightly. After I was finished watching this film, my heart was heavy with pain. Pain for all those young souls who have been aborted and pain for all those souls out in the world who have not sought forgiveness in their own lives. Then guilt clenched my heart. Last night I was hurt and today I want to openly confess that last night and today I was holding onto bitterness and anger toward those who hurt me. Right now I want to take time to say that I forgive them! Even though the circumstances don't change, I want to  continually seek to forgive them. I want to be like the young lady in the film. I want to forgive those who hurt me and to let go of things and turn them over to God.