Fear of the Future.

Today I started studying for my ACT test and the only thought running about my mind is " God, I can't do this! I can't make it through nursing school! I'm not smart enough. Why did You give me a desire to be a nurse?" Today I am scared. Today fear has crept into my heart and invaded every last available space of my heart. Why do I have to want to be a nurse? Why can't I just want to be a cashier for the rest of my life? Being a nurse has been one of my dreams since I was six. I wanted to be like nurse Tim. Who is nurse Tim? Well let me tell you a story. A couple weeks after my sixth birthday I became sick with what appeared to be the flue. I was laying on the couch when all of a sudden I lost all eyesight. I was completely blind. Soon after I lost my eyesight I lost all consciousness. My grandparents came and picked up my mom and I and headed for the hospital. At the hospital they diagnosed me with spinal meningitis. I was rushed to Akron Children's where my dad met us and mom and dad sat there praying that I would make it through the night. People every where were praying for my life to be spared. I woke up the next morning and the doctors called it a miracle! I was in the hospital for a week. That week was hard. I hated IV's and I hated being stuck in my bed. During the night I would see men coming out of the ceiling and chase me. My eyes would also play tricks on me during the day. I had this elephant that had a hat on its head. Well when I looked at it I would see an elephant without a hat. I would get so angry because someone took the hat off my elephant. Mom would tell me over and over that the hat was still on the elephant. This was all side effects of my illness. The doctor told us that often people don't live when they have the meningitis and if they do they are normally blind, deaf, or paralyzed. So my eyes playing tricks on me seemed like a good side affect after we heard that news.
During my stay at the hospital many people would come visit me. My favorite visitors were my cousins Sara, Kati, Jana, and Kristi. They would often sit on my bed with me and watch TV. When they came to visit me my nurse Tim would bring us Popsicles. He was the nicest nurse I had. He was so gentle and he talked in such a nice voice and he never got angry with me. To this day I remember him. After I got home from the hospital I decided I wanted to be a nurse and I wanted to be a nurse like Time was. I wanted to leave an impression on my patients the impression he left on me. My dream is to one day go back to Akron Children's. Not as a patient but as a nurse. I want to leave a Christ like impression on my little patients. I want to give them hope when it seems like there is no hope. But why is it so hard to reach that point? Why do I have to feel so fulfilled when I do volunteer at the hospital? Why do I love hospitals? I am in awe at what my God knows what I can do. God give me strength to accomplish what you want me to accomplish. God help me get through these next 4 years. Help me  believe in myself! Give me wisdom and understanding, Lord.